Chapter 22

“I can’t have children?” I stammered.

“At least not now,” Dr. Song added. “Because you’re going to be heavily medicated and there will be side effects on the fetus if you were to be pregnant. I am also concerned that your heart might not be able to withstand the burden of a pregnancy and the process of childbirth.”

“This can’t be,” Jun Su said as he shook his head disbelievingly.

“How long before I am allowed to conceive?” I asked the doctor.

“Until your heart shows signs of recuperating,” he said.

“Jun Su,” I said as I held his hand.

“This can’t be,” Jun Su mumbled, still in shock.

Our drive home was silent, with Jun Su staring straight ahead, and me fiddling with the strap of my hand bag like it were a work of art. We didn’t know how to talk about it. To think that we’d taken for granted the ability to have children all this while, only to be told we couldn’t have any, at least for now.

“Jun Su,” I said, breaking the silence and he didn’t answer. “Jun Su,” I said pleadingly as I reached over to put my hand on his thigh.

“I just can’t believe this is happening to us,” he finally said.

“I know… I want you to know that I really do want to have children. I want us to have children together. Even though I’ve always avoided the topic,” I said.

“I know,” he replied.

“I’m not the least happy that this is happening, I’m devastated,” I said tearfully.

“It’s okay, Sierra. I know you are.”

“I’m just worried how your parents will react to this.”

“We’re not telling them,” he said.

“We’re not?”

“We haven’t even told them about your heart, remember?”

“Oh, right. So what do we do now?”

“Nothing. Just rest, and try to get better. Remember to take those birth control pills. I don’t want to lose you, or any child we might have,” he said. “Araji?”

“Araso,” I said.

“I love you, Sierra. Nothing is more important to me than you are. If you can never have children, so be it. I don’t want you to endanger your life, ever.”

“What about the expectations of your family?” I asked him.

“If things don’t change for the better, I’ll tell them the truth, and they will have to accept it. Anyway, I’m not the only son in my family, my brother can be in charge of producing an heir,” he smiled weakly.

“Yea, I forgot about Jun Ho,” I smiled.

“Take care of yourself, alright? For us,” he said.

“I will,” I replied. “I love you too, Jun Su.”

[Dae In’s POV]

Our parents were ecstatic when Yoo Chun and I announced the happy news.

“Our legacy is now guaranteed,” Yoo Chun’s father had said.

Immediately, I could sense the heavy burden which would fall on my child’s shoulders. Was this the future I wanted my child to have? To be groomed and brought up as I was for a life like this? It was a life of splendor, filled with endless riches and opportunities. But would my child want to exchange his or her freedom for all of this, just as Yoo Chun and I had?

“What’s wrong?” Yoo Chun had whispered in my ear during dinner. I turned to look at him and I just smiled.

“Nothing… just thinking of baby names,” I said.

“Hold your horses,” he laughed. “It’s another 8 months down the road; plenty of time to think of names.”

“Right,” I smiled back.

I wondered if Yoo Chun would share my concerns. What would be his reaction if I brought up this topic? He’d obeyed his father’s wishes and married me. Does that mean he expects his children to do the same? To be as complacent and unquestioning as we are?

I laughed heartily as my father made another joke. There are times when I would feel sick of the life I had to lead. The only time I was given permission to do as I pleased was the year before I got married, when I lived in that little apartment with Sierra onni. Those were happy times. Perhaps I would grant my children that same freedom some day. The freedom of living away from this stuffy life we had here amongst the rich and influential.

As soon as I climbed into bed that night, Yoo Chun slid over and put his arms around me.

“You’re not asleep?” I giggled, as he nibbled my neck.

“Nope,” he said, as he continued.

“It’s late,” I said, trying to push him off. “Go to bed.”

“I’m not ready to sleep,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I wanna try it,” he said.

“Try what?”

“Didn’t they say that pregnant women are freakier in bed?” he said suggestively.

“Where did you hear that from?”

“I dunno.”

“I don’t think it’s true,” I said as I tried to slide away from him.

“Won’t know until we find out,” he laughed and he turned me around to face him.

“I don’t need to find out,” I laughed, as I wriggled away.

“Stay here,” he said softly, and I stopped wriggling.

There was a long moment of silence. I leaned my head against Yoo Chun’s chest, and listened to his heartbeat while he stroked my back lightly.

“We’re gonna be parents, Dae In,” he said. “We’re gonna be parents.”

“Yes we are,” I said, and I looked up at him. “You’re gonna be a great father,” I smiled, and I kissed him.