Chapter 27

It was decided that I would stay with Dae In and Yoo Chun until things were resolved.

Yoo Chun had found Dae In and I talking in the living room and joined in. Apparently, Jun Su had called him when he discovered that I was gone.

“What’s all this about?” Yoo Chun asked me. “Jun Su was livid. He called me and asked me if I’ve seen you.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I hadn’t. Because I didn’t know you were here when he called.”

“Good.”

“Onni,” Dae In spoke up. “You can’t hide from him like that. He must be worried sick.”

“I thought he was too angry to be worried.”

“He was angry, but I could sense that he was worried about you,” Yoo Chun said.

“I won’t go back. If I do, he’ll make me abort this baby.”

“You’re pregnant,” Yoo Chun said, surprised.

“Yes.”

“So what’s the problem? Why would Jun Su make you abort the baby? I know he loves children.”

“Because she could die if she had this baby,” Dae In answered for me.

“What?” Yoo Chun exclaimed.

“Onni has acute cardiomyopathy,” Dae In explained. “She can die of a heart attack any time. Giving birth could be too much for her.”

“Then get rid of the baby,” Yoo Chun said. Why did all men share the same points of view?

“I won’t. I’d die anyway. I might as well die after doing something worthwhile.”

“You’re just sending yourself to an early grave, Sierra. You could live many more years if you don’t have this baby.”

“No one knows for sure. It’s been more than a year now. Since the time you had that minor accident. The doctor has not reported any improvement in my condition. So I decided that I was going to do this.”

“What about Jun Su? What is he going to do if you die?” Yoo Chun asked me.

“Raise our child,” I replied calmly.

“Do you think this is the way? To leave your child motherless just so you could fulfill a life goal?” he said, almost raising his voice.

“It’s not like that, Yoo Chun,” I tried to reason. “I know how much his family wants an heir. I know how much Jun Su wants a child. I only hope that I can stick around long enough to at least hold my baby.”

“Onni, don’t say that!” Dae In said as she started to tear.

Just then, we could hear Sung Jin crying. Dae In wiped her eyes and stood up.

“I’m going to check on Sung Jin,” she said, and she walked off.

“So this is how you want it to play out?” Yoo Chun asked me.

“I see no other way.”

“What are you going to do? Divorce him?” Yoo Chun said.

“He can divorce me if he wants. I’ll remain married to him until our child is born. If I survive after that, maybe we can get divorced.”

“You can’t be serious. After all you’ve been through with Jun Su, you’re going to throw it all away like that?”

“I don’t want it to end like this. But since he won’t be supportive, I’ll have to. I’m sorry to intrude on you and Dae In. Maybe I should find somewhere else to go,” I said as I started to get up.

“No,” Yoo Chun said. “Stay here. At least we can take care of you in Jun Su’s place. Since the both of you are so stubborn.”

“Are you sure? It’s 9 months more to go,” I asked him.

“I’m fine with this. But I’d prefer it if the both of you patched up before you have the baby.”

“Trust me, Jun Su will not come for me,” I said.

I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t, and I’d said it out too. But deep inside me, I wish he would change his mind. I wish he would come and take me home, and fight through this with me.

Chapter 26

“I want a divorce,” I repeated, and Jun Su’s expression changed from shock to anger.

“Does this marriage mean that little to you; that you can just bail out because of something like this?”

“This life means more than this marriage,” I said as I put my hand over my belly.

“You’re crazy, you’re going mad,” he said as he walked over to the rack and picked up his coat. “Call me when you’re sane.”

He put on his coat and he walked out of the apartment, slamming the door hard as he went. I stared at the door for awhile, then I took a deep breath and exhaled. He wasn’t going to change his mind. So I’m just going to have to do what I need to do.

I went into our room and pulled out my suitcase. It was hard for me, I loved Jun Su so much, and I want to give him what he deserved, a child of ours. If I have to do this on my own, I’m just going to do it.

An hour later, I was done packing. I picked up the last item I was taking with me, a picture of us during our honeymoon. It was a picture of Jun Su giving me a piggyback ride, and a fellow tourist had taken it for us.

“Get on,” he’d laughed as soon as he handed the tourist the camera.

“What?” I said.

“Get on my back,” he said. “Don’t worry, I can take the weight,” he winked, and I smacked him.

I jumped on his back, throwing all my weight on him on purpose. He squealed as I did, and the shot that was captured was beautifully candid. He was laughing hard, and so was I, as he was trying to regain his balance to look up at the camera. We’ve never looked happier.

I pulled out my bags and left them by the door, then I went to sit at the desk and started writing a note to him.

Jun Su,

It’s been more than a year. For more than a year, we have shared the deepest bond any mortal could have with another. Sadly, this bond had not allowed us to transcend above all obstacles. I want this child, and I know you want it too, but you want me more.

In my opinion, you will regret this decision. My life is short, but the life of this child will carry on long after mine. He will be my legacy, and will give you what I am not able to give since I may no longer be around. I hope that I will live long enough to hear his first words to us, but if it is God’s will for me to leave sooner, so be it.

I’m leaving you now not because I don’t love you, not because I’ve given up on us. I’m leaving because I feel that you need time to accept my decision, and I need to be away to focus on keeping this child safe and healthy. Promise me that when I’m gone for good, you will take our child with you, and raise him as we’d wanted to raise our children.

Jun Su… saranghae… I will always love you. I don’t expect forgiveness if you don’t understand my actions, but please remember that I love you.

Sierra

I folded the paper in half and kissed it, then I stood it up on our bed, against the pillows.

Half an hour later, I was outside Dae In’s house, and I rang on the door bell.

“Who is it?” came the voice of the housekeeper through the intercom.

“I’m here to see Dae In, it’s Sierra,” I replied.

“Hold on,” she said, and she opened the gates for me.

As I approached the front door of the house, Dae In ran out to greet me. Her eyes widened when she saw the bags I’d brought with me.

“Onni! What happened? What are all these bags for?” she exclaimed.

“I’ve left Jun Su,” I said.

“Why? What happened?”

“We had a disagreement.”

“I’m sure it’s just a small problem. Jun Su oppa’s probably feeling bad about it right now. You don’t need to leave him.”

I shook my head sadly, “I don’t think he will. It’s not a small quarrel this time. He won’t back down.”

“Onni,” Dae In said softly as tears started to stream down my face. “Come inside then. Come inside and sit down. It’s chilly out here,” she said and we went into the house.

Once we were inside and had sat down in the living room, the housekeeper served us each a cup of hot tea.

“Tell me what happened onni,” Dae In said.

I sighed, and I looked at her sadly, “I’m pregnant.”

“But that’s good news!” she exclaimed, puzzled. “Why are you and Jun Su oppa arguing then?”

“I have acute cardiomyopathy,” I said.

“Huh? What's that?” she asked.

“I could die of heart attack at any moment,” I explained, and I watched her eyes widen in shock at my revelation.

Chapter 25

“What’s this?” Jun Su said as he held out the pregnancy test.

Damn! I should’ve burnt it. I was going to wait till the doctor confirmed it before I told Jun Su.

“Erm… a tampon?” I said.

“Sierra, I know what a tampon looks like. What is this?” he asked.

“It’s a pregnancy test kit,” I sighed.

“Why would you need one? You’re on birth control pills.”

“I’ve been off for 3 months already.”

“What?” he exclaimed.

He was starting to scare me. He actually looked angry.

“Then is this a positive or negative?”

“Positive,” I said. No point lying now.

“Sierra,” he said. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Trying to have a normal life,” I said.

“Normal life? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“We need a baby, Jun Su. We deserve a baby,” I said, and tears started streaming down my face.

“We can’t have one. Not now. Or we’ll lose you,” he said.

“I can’t stand it anymore, Jun Su. I can’t stand us not being able to be a normal married couple. I want this baby, and I’m going to keep it.”

“Sierra,” he groaned, and he walked over and pulled me into his arms.

“I want this baby, Jun Su. It’s our baby. We deserve a baby.”

“But the doctor said that the medications your on would harm it.”

“I’ve not been taking my medication for months now. I’m clean, our baby will be healthy,” I confessed.

“And what about you?” he said, and he temper started to rise again. “What about me?”

“I’m willing to risk it,” I said. “If I die, at least our child will be here for you.”

“You know what?” he said as he pulled away. “I never thought you’d be so thoughtless, so selfish. Do you really think that I’d rather lose you just so I could have a child?”

“I’m probably going to die at any moment. My condition is not improving. I want to live my life to the fullest before I go.”

“And this is how you define living life to its fullest. Choosing the most dangerous path?”

“This is how I want to live it.”

“The baby has to go. You’re going back on your medication,” he said.

“No,” I said stubbornly.

“Stop being stubborn. You really want to die like this?” he said as he shook me by the shoulders.

“At least my life would have served a purpose.”

“Please Sierra, stop it. Stop talking like that,” Jun Su said sadly.

“My life will end any time, Jun Su, and I want to be remembered.”

“This is not the way,” he said as he shook his head.

“Why is it not the way? What other way could there be?”

“Why can’t you wait until you get strong enough?”

“There has been no improvement in my condition, Jun Su. I don’t want to waste anymore time.”

“No…” he said, and he shook his head sadly as his hands still held on to my shoulders.

“So you still want me to abort this baby?” I asked him, and he nodded. “Then you leave me no choice.”

“What? What are you going to do?” he asked me.

“I want a divorce,” I said, and he just stared at me, speechless.

Chapter 24

Jun Su hadn’t said anything, but I could see him look longingly at Sung Jin whenever we visited Dae In. For the past months, there has been a strain on our relationship. We didn’t argue; we just didn’t speak as much as we used to. We kept up appearances in public and in front of his family, but behind our bedroom doors, it felt as if we were slowly becoming strangers. That was when I finally decided that I wanted to put an end to this.

Jun Su was probably not aware, but I’d stopped taking the birth control pills. I was planning; waiting for the right moment, and the day came when we moved to our new place. We’d decided that it was necessary to move, because it was becoming harder and harder to face his family with this secret we kept.

Our new home was a penthouse on top of one of the newest luxury apartments built in the city. I’d made all the decisions when it came to decorating it. The end product was a modern, warm and yet classic mixture of furniture and colors.

On Friday, the first week we’ve moved in was the day I made my move. Like every other day, I’d have dinner ready for Jun Su when he came home. We ate in silence, and then he’d go to the living room to watch the news while I cleaned up. After I cleaned up tonight, I went to take a shower. After showering, I rubbed my entire body with lotion, and I started to dress carefully. It’s been a long time since I wore lingerie. The one I wore tonight, Jun Su had bought for me on one of his business trips to France.

I walked out into the living room when I was done; I had a silk robe over my shoulders, but I left it untied. I stood between Jun Su and the television, and he looked up at me.

“What’s up?” he said.

“Come to bed,” I said.

“Why are you dressed like that?” he asked, as he slowly looked me up and down.

“Come to bed, Jun Su,” I repeated myself.

He stood up and he walked towards me.

“What are you up to?” he smiled, as he came to stand in front of me.

“Up to?” I said in an innocent tone, smiling slyly.

“Yes,” he said, and he put his arms around my waist.

“Nothing,” I smiled.

Jun Su bent down and picked me up in his arms, like I weighed nothing. He walked into our bedroom and kissed me lightly on the forehead after he laid me down on our bed. Then, he took a step back and started unbuttoning his shirt. I sat up and moved towards him to help him with his buttons, but he pushed my hands away gently.

“I’ll do it myself,” he said.

I sat there and watched as he slowly undressed himself. When he’d taken off his shirt, he came to lean above me.

“Oraemanida,” he said, and I smiled at his joke.

He slowly pushed the robe off my shoulders to reveal what I wore. It was a pale grey silk slip; the bodice was made of lace that allowed all the right areas to peek through. He tossed the robe onto the floor, and he looked at me reverently.

“I’d imagined how you would look like wearing it when I bought it,” he said. “But the image I see now surpasses my imagination.”

The old Jun Su was back.

I put my arms around his neck, and tried to pull him in for a kiss, but just before our lips met, he turned his head and started kissing my neck. Slowly, he trailed his kisses down my body, from my neck to my belly, and up again. Then he kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, and finally he came to my lips.

The moment our lips met, I felt like I was in heaven again. The heaven I’d always felt when I was with him, whenever I felt his love for me. Jun Su was my salvation in this lifetime, and since the day we’ve met, I can no longer imagine a life without him.

We lay on our bed, sated, sometime later, my head resting on his chest and his arms around me. He pulled the sheets up to cover my shoulders.

“Saranghae,” he whispered, and he kissed the top of my head.

“Saranghae,” I replied, and I tightened my arms around him.

I was glad that I’d initiated our ‘reconciliation’ that night. We talked all night after that, and we promised each other that we wouldn’t be cold to one another anymore. We’re going to survive this phase in our lives, and things will get better soon.

The next month came around, and I realized that I was 2 weeks late. Did my plan work? Will we finally be whole; Jun Su and I? I decided that I could not wait for the doctor’s results, and I ran out and bought a pregnancy kit. I waited nervously for the results to show on the stick. ‘Positive’!

When I saw the results, I was a little shocked myself. I’d planned it, but I was still shocked. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, and I stared at it. Positive! I’m going to be a mother.

Chapter 23

[Sierra’s POV]
I woke up the next morning, and my eyes felt like they were stuck together from crying last night. I was fine the whole night, even throughout dinner. But when Jun Su turned off the lights after we got into bed, the feelings of disappointment I’d suppressed the whole day unleashed themselves.

“Uljima,” he said, as he pulled me close.

“Why me, Jun Su?” I cried against his chest.

“It’s God’s will for now,” he replied. “We’ll have children someday. We will.”

“I really don’t know how I’m going to face your parents if things don’t change,” I sobbed.

“Don’t worry about that. Let me worry about that,” he said. “You just focus on getting your health back in order. Alright?”

I walked into the bathroom and rinsed my face. I stared at my reflection, and I wondered… Was this the price I had to pay for the good life I had? I was nobody, I had nothing, and then I met Jun Su. He loved me, even though I’d doubted him back then. I kept telling myself he was a player, and that he was never going to take someone like me seriously, until he proposed. I never imagined that I would have the life I have now. Am I blessed, or am I cursed?

8 months later, Jun Su and I were pacing up and down outside the delivery room. Yoo Chun and Dae In had been in there for almost 3 hours. Was Dae In alright? It wasn’t until another hour later that Yoo Chun finally emerged, and he was smiling this goofy smile.

“Well?” Jun Su said as he looked expectantly at Yoo Chun.

“It’s a boy,” Yoo Chun said.

Jun Su whooped, and hugged Yoo Chun.

“Ch’uk’ahamnida!” Jun Su said.

“Komawo,” Yoo Chun grinned broadly.

“Ch’uk’ahamnida,” I said, and I gave Yoo Chun a quick hug.

He was a little sweaty, and he looked tired. But there was no mistaking the joy on his face. He was definitely ecstatic.

We walked into the ward where Dae In was a little later. She was holding her newborn in her arms, and Yoo Chun was sitting beside her on the bed, cooing to the baby. This was definitely a sight of Yoo Chun that most people would never have expected.

“Onni,” Dae In smiled when she saw me. “Come meet my son.”

I walked over and stood beside her. Her baby was beautiful. It made me really want one of my own.

“What’s his name?” I asked her, and I reached out to gently touch the baby’s cheek.

“Park Sung Jin,” she smiled.

“Nice name,” Jun Su said. “I’m so envious of the both of you.”

“You’ll have your own baby soon,” Yoo Chun said. “What’s there to be envious about?” he laughed.

Dae In and Yoo Chun did not know about my heart problems. Jun Su and I had chosen to keep this to ourselves. Hearing Yoo Chun’s statement really made me wish I could have a child, but in the past months, the doctor had said the same thing during all my checkups. I was not fit to be a mother. The look on Jun Su’s face after every meeting with the doctor really tore my heart. He really wanted us to be a family; to have a child and for us to be parents. I wanted to give him what he wanted. It was what I wanted for myself too.

During one of my visits to the hospital, I’d walked to the baby room to watch Sung Jin. It was evident that he took after his father; charismatic from the day he was born.

“Isn’t he the best?” Yoo Chun said, as he came to stand beside me.

“Yes he is,” I smiled.

“I used to think that my life could only be so good, that nothing could top what I had now. When I married Dae In, I was still a spoilt and selfish boy. But now I feel different. From the moment Dae In announced that she was pregnant, my world felt like it had tilted 360 degrees.”

“That’s usually the case.”

“I’m sorry for what I did in the past,” he said.

“What did you do?”

“My attitude towards you,” he said. “It was just my childish pride, my childish infatuation with myself.”

“It’s okay. As long as you are true to Dae In now, all is forgiven.”

“Thanks. I am. I love Dae In, and now that Sung Jin is here, I have another person to be responsible for. I will make sure they live a long and happy life with me,” he smiled.

I smiled when I heard his words. Dae In would be so happy. All her patience and efforts had paid off. Yoo Chun was now a new man; a husband and a father. If only I could salvage my own marriage now.

Chapter 22

“I can’t have children?” I stammered.

“At least not now,” Dr. Song added. “Because you’re going to be heavily medicated and there will be side effects on the fetus if you were to be pregnant. I am also concerned that your heart might not be able to withstand the burden of a pregnancy and the process of childbirth.”

“This can’t be,” Jun Su said as he shook his head disbelievingly.

“How long before I am allowed to conceive?” I asked the doctor.

“Until your heart shows signs of recuperating,” he said.

“Jun Su,” I said as I held his hand.

“This can’t be,” Jun Su mumbled, still in shock.

Our drive home was silent, with Jun Su staring straight ahead, and me fiddling with the strap of my hand bag like it were a work of art. We didn’t know how to talk about it. To think that we’d taken for granted the ability to have children all this while, only to be told we couldn’t have any, at least for now.

“Jun Su,” I said, breaking the silence and he didn’t answer. “Jun Su,” I said pleadingly as I reached over to put my hand on his thigh.

“I just can’t believe this is happening to us,” he finally said.

“I know… I want you to know that I really do want to have children. I want us to have children together. Even though I’ve always avoided the topic,” I said.

“I know,” he replied.

“I’m not the least happy that this is happening, I’m devastated,” I said tearfully.

“It’s okay, Sierra. I know you are.”

“I’m just worried how your parents will react to this.”

“We’re not telling them,” he said.

“We’re not?”

“We haven’t even told them about your heart, remember?”

“Oh, right. So what do we do now?”

“Nothing. Just rest, and try to get better. Remember to take those birth control pills. I don’t want to lose you, or any child we might have,” he said. “Araji?”

“Araso,” I said.

“I love you, Sierra. Nothing is more important to me than you are. If you can never have children, so be it. I don’t want you to endanger your life, ever.”

“What about the expectations of your family?” I asked him.

“If things don’t change for the better, I’ll tell them the truth, and they will have to accept it. Anyway, I’m not the only son in my family, my brother can be in charge of producing an heir,” he smiled weakly.

“Yea, I forgot about Jun Ho,” I smiled.

“Take care of yourself, alright? For us,” he said.

“I will,” I replied. “I love you too, Jun Su.”

[Dae In’s POV]

Our parents were ecstatic when Yoo Chun and I announced the happy news.

“Our legacy is now guaranteed,” Yoo Chun’s father had said.

Immediately, I could sense the heavy burden which would fall on my child’s shoulders. Was this the future I wanted my child to have? To be groomed and brought up as I was for a life like this? It was a life of splendor, filled with endless riches and opportunities. But would my child want to exchange his or her freedom for all of this, just as Yoo Chun and I had?

“What’s wrong?” Yoo Chun had whispered in my ear during dinner. I turned to look at him and I just smiled.

“Nothing… just thinking of baby names,” I said.

“Hold your horses,” he laughed. “It’s another 8 months down the road; plenty of time to think of names.”

“Right,” I smiled back.

I wondered if Yoo Chun would share my concerns. What would be his reaction if I brought up this topic? He’d obeyed his father’s wishes and married me. Does that mean he expects his children to do the same? To be as complacent and unquestioning as we are?

I laughed heartily as my father made another joke. There are times when I would feel sick of the life I had to lead. The only time I was given permission to do as I pleased was the year before I got married, when I lived in that little apartment with Sierra onni. Those were happy times. Perhaps I would grant my children that same freedom some day. The freedom of living away from this stuffy life we had here amongst the rich and influential.

As soon as I climbed into bed that night, Yoo Chun slid over and put his arms around me.

“You’re not asleep?” I giggled, as he nibbled my neck.

“Nope,” he said, as he continued.

“It’s late,” I said, trying to push him off. “Go to bed.”

“I’m not ready to sleep,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I wanna try it,” he said.

“Try what?”

“Didn’t they say that pregnant women are freakier in bed?” he said suggestively.

“Where did you hear that from?”

“I dunno.”

“I don’t think it’s true,” I said as I tried to slide away from him.

“Won’t know until we find out,” he laughed and he turned me around to face him.

“I don’t need to find out,” I laughed, as I wriggled away.

“Stay here,” he said softly, and I stopped wriggling.

There was a long moment of silence. I leaned my head against Yoo Chun’s chest, and listened to his heartbeat while he stroked my back lightly.

“We’re gonna be parents, Dae In,” he said. “We’re gonna be parents.”

“Yes we are,” I said, and I looked up at him. “You’re gonna be a great father,” I smiled, and I kissed him.