Saturday, April 7, 2007

Chapter 30: Finale

I stand at the door of the church, not daring to enter. If I walk through this door today, it will confirm everything all over again.

Hee Jin was born without complications, and Sierra onni had survived the ordeal of childbirth, she was able to hold Hee Jin in her arms and meet her for the very first time.

“Annyeong,” I remembered onni saying, as she stroked Hee Jin’s cheek. “Annyeong, Hee Jin,” she whispered as Jun Su oppa watched on.

Onni looked up at Jun Su oppa and she smiled, tears rolled down her cheeks. I was there because onni asked me to. She wanted me to be there when Hee Jin arrived.

“In case I’m not there to greet her,” she had said. “I want you to be the mother she’d never had.”

Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

“She looks just like you,” Jun Su oppa said. “Look at those oriental eyes,” he smiled.

Sierra onni survived Hee Jin’s birth, but her health never improved after that. She was easily tired, and she spent most of her days sitting in the rocking chair in Hee Jin’s nursery, cuddling Hee Jin and singing to her.

Some days, Jun Su oppa would take onni and Hee Jin out for picnics, especially when Hee Jin was 2, and had started to walk. Onni would sit on a blanket and watch as Jun Su oppa played with Hee Jin. Onni once told me, she wished she could carry Hee Jin and toss her in the air just as oppa does, but sadly, she didn’t dare, in case she didn’t have the strength to catch her. Hee Jin is 3 this year.

As I entered the church, I saw Jun Su oppa carrying her in his arms, as they looked over onni. She looked so peaceful lying there. It was as if she was sleeping.

“Oma,” I could hear Hee Jin say as she pointed at onni.

“Oma’s sleeping,” oppa said, and he kissed Hee Jin’s forehead.

I turned away, trying to fight the tears. Yoo Chun put his arm around me and held me close.

“Uljima,” he said. “You need to be strong. Sierra would’ve wanted you to. You’re now like a mother to Hee Jin, and you need to give Jun Su strength as well.”

I nodded and quickly wiped away the tears that have escaped my eyes.

“Come Sung Jin,” I said as I took him by the hand and we walked up to Jun Su oppa.

“Hee Jin!” Sung Jin called out as we approached.

“Oppa!” Hee Jin squealed as she squirmed around in Jun Su oppa’s arms, wanting to come down and play.

“Be careful,” Jun Su oppa said as he put Hee Jin down. “Take care of her, Sung Jin,” oppa smiled, and Sung Jin nodded before taking Hee Jin’s hand and running off to play with her.

“Hey,” Yoo Chun said as he patted Jun Su oppa on the back.

“Thanks for coming,” Jun Su oppa smiled.

“We’re brothers, I should be here,” Yoo Chun replied.

I walked up to onni, and I touched her glass screen above her coffin.

“Onni,” I whispered. “I’m here,” I choked out.

I kept looking at her lifeless face; willing her to wake up and smile at me, talk to me. Yoo Chun came to stand beside me, and he put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

“She looks happy,” he said.

“She’s done everything she wanted to do in this lifetime,” I said. “That’s why she looks happy.”

I was there by onni’s side, the night she left us.

“If I die now, Dae In,” she said. “I’ll still be contented.”

“Don’t say that onni,” I exclaimed.

“Chintcha… I’ve done everything I wanted to do. I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve had a child, what more could anyone ask for?”

“A longer life,” I replied. “A long and healthy life.”

“Too late for that,” she smiled wryly.

She seemed alright when I talked to her then, I couldn’t believe it when I got the call from Jun Su oppa a few hours later. His voice was shaking as he delivered the news.

“Sierra’s gone,” he said. “Her heart just failed, she’s gone.”

I couldn’t even answer him, as I was frozen with shock, and the phone fell out of my hands and hit the floor with a loud thud.

“What’s wrong?” Yoo Chun said as he came up to me and picked up the phone.

After talking with Jun Su oppa for a few seconds, he hung up.

“Sit down,” he said, and he guided me to sit on the lounge in our room.

“What did Jun Su oppa say?” I stammered.

“Sierra’s gone. She passed on awhile ago.”

“No… she was talking to me about 4 hours ago. She can’t be dead.”

“She’s gone Dae In,” he said calmly. “Sierra’s dead.”

“No, she can’t be,” I said, and I started sobbing.

After onni’s funeral service, we gathered at their home. As I walked through the hallway, I looked at all the pictures that have filled the walls since Hee Jin was born; Hee Jin when she was an infant, onni and Hee Jin in the park, and the most significant was the portrait of onni, oppa and Hee Jin, which was hung right in the middle of the living room. They’d lived the life they wanted to, the life of a happily married couple with their child, but sadly, it didn’t last.

I walked into Hee Jin’s nursery to find her alone with onni’s photo.

“Imo,” she said in her cute voice as I entered. She’d taken to calling me that since I was like a sister to onni.

“Hey, Hee Jin. What are you doing?” I said as I sat down on the floor next to her.

“Where’s oma?” she asked me.

“Oma went on a holiday,” I said.

“Without Hee Jin?” she said, sadly.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Then who will sing to Hee Jin now?” she said.

“Imo, will sing to you,” I smiled. “Which song do you want to hear?”

“Pungseon!” she said happily.

“Why Pungseon?” I asked her.

“Oma always sing Pungseon to Hee Jin,” she said. “Imo sing for Hee Jin?”

“Araso,” I said and I started singing. “Chinagabeorin, eorin sijeoren,” I paused, as tears started to well up in my eyes. “Pungseoneul t'ago…” I tried to continue, but a sob escaped my throat.

I’d remembered what Sierra onni had said about this song, about this song being her song for Hee Jin, and I couldn’t help but miss her when I thought of it.

“Imo, waegeurae?” Hee Jin said.

“Uhm…” I said as I tried to compose myself, and then I hear Jun Su oppa singing.

“Naraganeun yeoppeun kkumdo kkueossji.”

I smiled at him through my tears, and he smiled back. Then we continued to sing together.

“Noran pungseoni, haneureul nalmyeon, nae maeumedo, areumdaun kieokdeuri saenggakna…”

When we finished singing, Hee Jin clapped her hands happily.

“Again,” she said. “Again!”

Maybe Hee Jin will not remember everything about her mother in years to come, but she had something to remind her if her existence. Sierra onni, you did right. Whenever we sing this song now, we will be reminded of you; your strength, your will, your laughter and your love. You always seemed helpless when it came to the life Fate had chosen for you, but you made sure that you made the most of each day. We will always remember you. Saranghamnida…

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Chapter 29

[Sierra’s POV]

Dae In and I were walking up the path with Sung Jin in his stroller when we saw a figure sitting on the doorstep.

“Jun Su oppa!” Dae In exclaimed.

He looked up and his expression just pierced through my heart. He looked tired and defeated, even as he gave us a weak smile.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“Waiting for you,” he replied softly.

“I’ll be inside,” Dae In said as she walked in with Sung Jin.

“What do you want?” I asked him, as soon as Dae In went in.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“Don’t be silly. I feel like a whale now,” I replied.

I’m 8 months pregnant, and Hee Jin is due anytime soon. How can I look beautiful?

“Yes you do. Don’t you know that pregnant women have a special glow about them?” he said as he walked towards me.

“You still haven’t answered my question. Why are you here?” I said.

“Let’s go home,” he said.

“What for?”

“I miss you, Sierra. Please come home with me.”

“Why now? What made you change your mind?”

“My mother spoke to me again yesterday. She told me that if I don’t treasure you now, if you really leave me for good, I was going to hate myself forever. I realized that she’s right.”

“So you’re here because you don’t want to have to hate yourself?”

“No. Because I want to make the most of the time we have together, no matter how little of it is left.”

“It took you all these months to realize that was all I wanted from you. For us to just treasure the time we have together,” I said, and I could feel tears coming.

“Mianhae,” he whispered, and a single tear rolled down his cheek. “Mianhae, Sierra. I was such a fool.”

I lifted my hand to touch the mark that the tear made on his cheek.

“I love you,” I said, and he hugged me.

We stood there and cried in each other’s arms. They were tears of relief; relief that we were finally reunited, and they were tears of fear; the fear that we may not have much time left together.

I moved back to our apartment that day, and Dae In seemed so happy to see me go.

“Bye onni,” she waved happily to me.

“You’re so happy to see me go?” I asked her.

“Of course,” she laughed. “I’m happy that you’re back with Jun Su oppa. The both of you are meant to be.”

“Just like you and Yoo Chun?” I teased, and she blushed.

Living with them confirmed to me that Yoo Chun was indeed devoted to Dae In. I was really happy that everything has worked out for all of us.

Jun Su decided to stay home with me until the day Hee Jin was due.

“You don’t need to,” I protested. “I can take care of myself.”

“I want to. I want to spend more time with you,” he insisted.

When he heard that I wanted to name our baby, Hee Jin, he had some comments to make about the name.

“Why Hee Jin?” he asked me.

“I like Hee Jin.”

“Why not some cute name like Hye Bin or Min Ah?” he asked.

“I like Hee Jin,” I insisted.

“Fine, fine. I get to name the next one,” he smiled.

Hee Jin arrived on a rainy autumn day. We were relaxing in the living room when my water suddenly broke. We’d actually scheduled a C-section delivery so that the process of labour wouldn’t strain me, but I guess Hee Jin couldn’t wait.

“It’s time Jun Su,” I told him, and he just got up from the sofa and calmly collected the stuff we needed to take along to the hospital.

He held my hand all the way to the hospital. His other hand gripped the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were almost turning white.

“Jun Su,” I said as I stroked his hand gently, “relax.”

He turned to me and looked at me for a long time when we stopped at a traffic light. I grimaced when I felt a contraction, and then I smiled at him.

“I love you, Sierra,” he said, and he lifted my hand to kiss it.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Chapter 28

[Dae In’s POV]

I sprinted up the stairs and walked quickly into Sung Jin’s nursery. When I got there, he was still wailing loudly.

“What’s wrong, Sung Jin?” I cooed as I picked him up. “Oma’s here.”

I checked his nappy and found that it was damp. I lay him down on the changing table, and started singing softly while changing his nappy. He began to calm down, and was soon gurgling back at me as I sang.

I finished my task and lifted Sung Jin up to kiss him. I never expected motherhood to be as beautiful as some mothers have described to me. It was truly a gift. Sung Jin is now the new love of my life, together with Yoo Chun.

I’ll never forget the day I first held Sung Jin in my arms. I could not imagine that something so beautiful had been growing within me. The other beautiful thing that happened on that day was that I finally have validation of Yoo Chun’s love.

“Saranghae,” he said as he leaned down to kiss the top of my sweaty head.

I looked up at him and felt mixed emotions. I was so tired from the 4 hours of labour, I was so contented when I held Sung Jin in my arms, and now I felt like I’d gone to heaven. Everything had fallen into place. Yoo Chun is finally mine, heart, mind and soul, and we are headed towards a new future with our child.

“Saranghae,” I replied, as tears of happiness streamed down my cheeks.

“Pabo,” he smiled as he wiped my tears. “What are you crying for?”

I smiled to myself as put Sung Jin back in his cot.

“Sung Jin-ah,” I whispered, as patted him to sleep, “Oma saranghae.”

Sierra onni was going to live with us until her baby is due. Jun Su oppa was very upset with her, but he hadn’t showed up at our house at all. It seemed as if they were having a cold war.

Having Sierra onni around was pretty fun, since there was someone at home with me to care for Sung Jin, and someone I could talk to. Some days, we’d bundle Sung Jin up and take him out for lunch with us.

Sierra onni doesn’t seem to be having any complications with her pregnancy. If anything, she was stronger than I was during mine. She’d always be the first up each morning, making breakfast and all, and she’d hold Sung Jin for me while I ate my breakfast.

One morning, I heard her singing to Sung Jin. She was singing the song ‘Balloons’ softly whilst swaying Sung Jin to the beat of her singing.

“That’s a cute song,” I said as I walked into the nursery.

“I know. I plan to sing it to Hee Jin when she’s born,” she smiled. “It will be my special song for her.”

We’d found out during that last checkup that the baby onni carried was going to be a girl. Immediately, onni already had a name in mind. She said that she loved how Sung Jin’s name ended with a ‘Jin’. She wanted the same for her baby, so she’s going to name her Hee Jin.

“Promise me, Dae In,” she said. “Raise our children together, and maybe someday, Sung Jin can marry Hee Jin.”

“You’ll be here when that happens, onni,” I said.

“Who knows,” she shrugged and smiled.

“I do. You’ll be here,” I said, and I really wanted it to be true.

It was 6th month into her pregnancy when Jun Su oppa’s mother came to visit us.

“How are you, dear?” she said as she took onni’s hand.

“I’m fine, omoni,” onni said.

“Has Jun Su been by to visit you?” she asked.

“No, he hasn’t,” onni replied.

“That son of mine. Why must he be so stubborn?” she said.

“I understand where he’s coming from,” onni said. “I’m fine with that. All I ask is for the Kim family to ensure that my baby is taken care of when I’m gone.”

“Stop spouting rubbish, Sierra,” Jun Su oppa’s mother said. “We will make sure you are at the best of your health, and the baby too. I will have a talk with Jun Su when I see him later. This nonsense has to end before the baby is due.”

“Omoni, it’s alright. I’m fine living here. Jun Su is actually paying for all my expenses even though he doesn’t approve of this,” onni said, defending Jun Su oppa.

“He should. He had a share in creating this child.”

“I’ll be fine omoni,” onni insisted, and Jun Su oppa’s mother just shook her head sadly.

Honestly, I did not understand why Jun Su oppa wouldn’t come see her. Yoo Chun tells me that he misses her, so why can’t he just come apologise to onni so that he can take her home? I hope that Jun Su oppa will come for onni soon. If anything happens to Sierra onni, I hope he doesn’t regret his decision to stay away.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Chapter 27

It was decided that I would stay with Dae In and Yoo Chun until things were resolved.

Yoo Chun had found Dae In and I talking in the living room and joined in. Apparently, Jun Su had called him when he discovered that I was gone.

“What’s all this about?” Yoo Chun asked me. “Jun Su was livid. He called me and asked me if I’ve seen you.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I hadn’t. Because I didn’t know you were here when he called.”


“Onni,” Dae In spoke up. “You can’t hide from him like that. He must be worried sick.”

“I thought he was too angry to be worried.”

“He was angry, but I could sense that he was worried about you,” Yoo Chun said.

“I won’t go back. If I do, he’ll make me abort this baby.”

“You’re pregnant,” Yoo Chun said, surprised.


“So what’s the problem? Why would Jun Su make you abort the baby? I know he loves children.”

“Because she could die if she had this baby,” Dae In answered for me.

“What?” Yoo Chun exclaimed.

“Onni has acute cardiomyopathy,” Dae In explained. “She can die of a heart attack any time. Giving birth could be too much for her.”

“Then get rid of the baby,” Yoo Chun said. Why did all men share the same points of view?

“I won’t. I’d die anyway. I might as well die after doing something worthwhile.”

“You’re just sending yourself to an early grave, Sierra. You could live many more years if you don’t have this baby.”

“No one knows for sure. It’s been more than a year now. Since the time you had that minor accident. The doctor has not reported any improvement in my condition. So I decided that I was going to do this.”

“What about Jun Su? What is he going to do if you die?” Yoo Chun asked me.

“Raise our child,” I replied calmly.

“Do you think this is the way? To leave your child motherless just so you could fulfill a life goal?” he said, almost raising his voice.

“It’s not like that, Yoo Chun,” I tried to reason. “I know how much his family wants an heir. I know how much Jun Su wants a child. I only hope that I can stick around long enough to at least hold my baby.”

“Onni, don’t say that!” Dae In said as she started to tear.

Just then, we could hear Sung Jin crying. Dae In wiped her eyes and stood up.

“I’m going to check on Sung Jin,” she said, and she walked off.

“So this is how you want it to play out?” Yoo Chun asked me.

“I see no other way.”

“What are you going to do? Divorce him?” Yoo Chun said.

“He can divorce me if he wants. I’ll remain married to him until our child is born. If I survive after that, maybe we can get divorced.”

“You can’t be serious. After all you’ve been through with Jun Su, you’re going to throw it all away like that?”

“I don’t want it to end like this. But since he won’t be supportive, I’ll have to. I’m sorry to intrude on you and Dae In. Maybe I should find somewhere else to go,” I said as I started to get up.

“No,” Yoo Chun said. “Stay here. At least we can take care of you in Jun Su’s place. Since the both of you are so stubborn.”

“Are you sure? It’s 9 months more to go,” I asked him.

“I’m fine with this. But I’d prefer it if the both of you patched up before you have the baby.”

“Trust me, Jun Su will not come for me,” I said.

I knew in my heart that he wouldn’t, and I’d said it out too. But deep inside me, I wish he would change his mind. I wish he would come and take me home, and fight through this with me.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Chapter 26

“I want a divorce,” I repeated, and Jun Su’s expression changed from shock to anger.

“Does this marriage mean that little to you; that you can just bail out because of something like this?”

“This life means more than this marriage,” I said as I put my hand over my belly.

“You’re crazy, you’re going mad,” he said as he walked over to the rack and picked up his coat. “Call me when you’re sane.”

He put on his coat and he walked out of the apartment, slamming the door hard as he went. I stared at the door for awhile, then I took a deep breath and exhaled. He wasn’t going to change his mind. So I’m just going to have to do what I need to do.

I went into our room and pulled out my suitcase. It was hard for me, I loved Jun Su so much, and I want to give him what he deserved, a child of ours. If I have to do this on my own, I’m just going to do it.

An hour later, I was done packing. I picked up the last item I was taking with me, a picture of us during our honeymoon. It was a picture of Jun Su giving me a piggyback ride, and a fellow tourist had taken it for us.

“Get on,” he’d laughed as soon as he handed the tourist the camera.

“What?” I said.

“Get on my back,” he said. “Don’t worry, I can take the weight,” he winked, and I smacked him.

I jumped on his back, throwing all my weight on him on purpose. He squealed as I did, and the shot that was captured was beautifully candid. He was laughing hard, and so was I, as he was trying to regain his balance to look up at the camera. We’ve never looked happier.

I pulled out my bags and left them by the door, then I went to sit at the desk and started writing a note to him.

Jun Su,

It’s been more than a year. For more than a year, we have shared the deepest bond any mortal could have with another. Sadly, this bond had not allowed us to transcend above all obstacles. I want this child, and I know you want it too, but you want me more.

In my opinion, you will regret this decision. My life is short, but the life of this child will carry on long after mine. He will be my legacy, and will give you what I am not able to give since I may no longer be around. I hope that I will live long enough to hear his first words to us, but if it is God’s will for me to leave sooner, so be it.

I’m leaving you now not because I don’t love you, not because I’ve given up on us. I’m leaving because I feel that you need time to accept my decision, and I need to be away to focus on keeping this child safe and healthy. Promise me that when I’m gone for good, you will take our child with you, and raise him as we’d wanted to raise our children.

Jun Su… saranghae… I will always love you. I don’t expect forgiveness if you don’t understand my actions, but please remember that I love you.


I folded the paper in half and kissed it, then I stood it up on our bed, against the pillows.

Half an hour later, I was outside Dae In’s house, and I rang on the door bell.

“Who is it?” came the voice of the housekeeper through the intercom.

“I’m here to see Dae In, it’s Sierra,” I replied.

“Hold on,” she said, and she opened the gates for me.

As I approached the front door of the house, Dae In ran out to greet me. Her eyes widened when she saw the bags I’d brought with me.

“Onni! What happened? What are all these bags for?” she exclaimed.

“I’ve left Jun Su,” I said.

“Why? What happened?”

“We had a disagreement.”

“I’m sure it’s just a small problem. Jun Su oppa’s probably feeling bad about it right now. You don’t need to leave him.”

I shook my head sadly, “I don’t think he will. It’s not a small quarrel this time. He won’t back down.”

“Onni,” Dae In said softly as tears started to stream down my face. “Come inside then. Come inside and sit down. It’s chilly out here,” she said and we went into the house.

Once we were inside and had sat down in the living room, the housekeeper served us each a cup of hot tea.

“Tell me what happened onni,” Dae In said.

I sighed, and I looked at her sadly, “I’m pregnant.”

“But that’s good news!” she exclaimed, puzzled. “Why are you and Jun Su oppa arguing then?”

“I have acute cardiomyopathy,” I said.

“Huh? What's that?” she asked.

“I could die of heart attack at any moment,” I explained, and I watched her eyes widen in shock at my revelation.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Chapter 25

“What’s this?” Jun Su said as he held out the pregnancy test.

Damn! I should’ve burnt it. I was going to wait till the doctor confirmed it before I told Jun Su.

“Erm… a tampon?” I said.

“Sierra, I know what a tampon looks like. What is this?” he asked.

“It’s a pregnancy test kit,” I sighed.

“Why would you need one? You’re on birth control pills.”

“I’ve been off for 3 months already.”

“What?” he exclaimed.

He was starting to scare me. He actually looked angry.

“Then is this a positive or negative?”

“Positive,” I said. No point lying now.

“Sierra,” he said. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Trying to have a normal life,” I said.

“Normal life? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

“We need a baby, Jun Su. We deserve a baby,” I said, and tears started streaming down my face.

“We can’t have one. Not now. Or we’ll lose you,” he said.

“I can’t stand it anymore, Jun Su. I can’t stand us not being able to be a normal married couple. I want this baby, and I’m going to keep it.”

“Sierra,” he groaned, and he walked over and pulled me into his arms.

“I want this baby, Jun Su. It’s our baby. We deserve a baby.”

“But the doctor said that the medications your on would harm it.”

“I’ve not been taking my medication for months now. I’m clean, our baby will be healthy,” I confessed.

“And what about you?” he said, and he temper started to rise again. “What about me?”

“I’m willing to risk it,” I said. “If I die, at least our child will be here for you.”

“You know what?” he said as he pulled away. “I never thought you’d be so thoughtless, so selfish. Do you really think that I’d rather lose you just so I could have a child?”

“I’m probably going to die at any moment. My condition is not improving. I want to live my life to the fullest before I go.”

“And this is how you define living life to its fullest. Choosing the most dangerous path?”

“This is how I want to live it.”

“The baby has to go. You’re going back on your medication,” he said.

“No,” I said stubbornly.

“Stop being stubborn. You really want to die like this?” he said as he shook me by the shoulders.

“At least my life would have served a purpose.”

“Please Sierra, stop it. Stop talking like that,” Jun Su said sadly.

“My life will end any time, Jun Su, and I want to be remembered.”

“This is not the way,” he said as he shook his head.

“Why is it not the way? What other way could there be?”

“Why can’t you wait until you get strong enough?”

“There has been no improvement in my condition, Jun Su. I don’t want to waste anymore time.”

“No…” he said, and he shook his head sadly as his hands still held on to my shoulders.

“So you still want me to abort this baby?” I asked him, and he nodded. “Then you leave me no choice.”

“What? What are you going to do?” he asked me.

“I want a divorce,” I said, and he just stared at me, speechless.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Chapter 24

Jun Su hadn’t said anything, but I could see him look longingly at Sung Jin whenever we visited Dae In. For the past months, there has been a strain on our relationship. We didn’t argue; we just didn’t speak as much as we used to. We kept up appearances in public and in front of his family, but behind our bedroom doors, it felt as if we were slowly becoming strangers. That was when I finally decided that I wanted to put an end to this.

Jun Su was probably not aware, but I’d stopped taking the birth control pills. I was planning; waiting for the right moment, and the day came when we moved to our new place. We’d decided that it was necessary to move, because it was becoming harder and harder to face his family with this secret we kept.

Our new home was a penthouse on top of one of the newest luxury apartments built in the city. I’d made all the decisions when it came to decorating it. The end product was a modern, warm and yet classic mixture of furniture and colors.

On Friday, the first week we’ve moved in was the day I made my move. Like every other day, I’d have dinner ready for Jun Su when he came home. We ate in silence, and then he’d go to the living room to watch the news while I cleaned up. After I cleaned up tonight, I went to take a shower. After showering, I rubbed my entire body with lotion, and I started to dress carefully. It’s been a long time since I wore lingerie. The one I wore tonight, Jun Su had bought for me on one of his business trips to France.

I walked out into the living room when I was done; I had a silk robe over my shoulders, but I left it untied. I stood between Jun Su and the television, and he looked up at me.

“What’s up?” he said.

“Come to bed,” I said.

“Why are you dressed like that?” he asked, as he slowly looked me up and down.

“Come to bed, Jun Su,” I repeated myself.

He stood up and he walked towards me.

“What are you up to?” he smiled, as he came to stand in front of me.

“Up to?” I said in an innocent tone, smiling slyly.

“Yes,” he said, and he put his arms around my waist.

“Nothing,” I smiled.

Jun Su bent down and picked me up in his arms, like I weighed nothing. He walked into our bedroom and kissed me lightly on the forehead after he laid me down on our bed. Then, he took a step back and started unbuttoning his shirt. I sat up and moved towards him to help him with his buttons, but he pushed my hands away gently.

“I’ll do it myself,” he said.

I sat there and watched as he slowly undressed himself. When he’d taken off his shirt, he came to lean above me.

“Oraemanida,” he said, and I smiled at his joke.

He slowly pushed the robe off my shoulders to reveal what I wore. It was a pale grey silk slip; the bodice was made of lace that allowed all the right areas to peek through. He tossed the robe onto the floor, and he looked at me reverently.

“I’d imagined how you would look like wearing it when I bought it,” he said. “But the image I see now surpasses my imagination.”

The old Jun Su was back.

I put my arms around his neck, and tried to pull him in for a kiss, but just before our lips met, he turned his head and started kissing my neck. Slowly, he trailed his kisses down my body, from my neck to my belly, and up again. Then he kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, and finally he came to my lips.

The moment our lips met, I felt like I was in heaven again. The heaven I’d always felt when I was with him, whenever I felt his love for me. Jun Su was my salvation in this lifetime, and since the day we’ve met, I can no longer imagine a life without him.

We lay on our bed, sated, sometime later, my head resting on his chest and his arms around me. He pulled the sheets up to cover my shoulders.

“Saranghae,” he whispered, and he kissed the top of my head.

“Saranghae,” I replied, and I tightened my arms around him.

I was glad that I’d initiated our ‘reconciliation’ that night. We talked all night after that, and we promised each other that we wouldn’t be cold to one another anymore. We’re going to survive this phase in our lives, and things will get better soon.

The next month came around, and I realized that I was 2 weeks late. Did my plan work? Will we finally be whole; Jun Su and I? I decided that I could not wait for the doctor’s results, and I ran out and bought a pregnancy kit. I waited nervously for the results to show on the stick. ‘Positive’!

When I saw the results, I was a little shocked myself. I’d planned it, but I was still shocked. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, and I stared at it. Positive! I’m going to be a mother.